two birds with one stone

Tuesday, Joseph and I had our oncology appointments with Dr. Tuscano. Mine was at 1:00 and Joseph's at 1:30. We just took turns being on the hot seat. Me first....Because the bone pain was so extreme with the neulasta shot, we're going to try the neupogen 7 day shot series instead. I'll still have pain, but potentially not as severe. Maybe my counts will be high enough that I won't even need the damn shots! Everything else is going smoothly. Vitamin E took care of the mouth sores in 2 days, and the nausea is under control with Ativan.
Next, Joseph.....Dr. Tuscano gave him a physical exam and while feeling his neck said, "What's it been? Six years?" -No, seven.- "I can't believe there's nothing there." Smiles all around. That's when I fall in love with Joseph all over again. He's amazing and wonderful for choosing his heart's path and sticking with it.
Dr. Tuscano is wonderful too. We are lucky to be guided by such a caring, patient, knowledgeable and passionate person. Just look at that smile!

Zoe

Zoe is handling my cancer really well. She's asking questions, making observations and expressing her worries openly. I'm loving her to the moon....

She has asked if she can catch what I have. If I'm going to die. If I'm scared. She's wrapped her arms around me and said, "I want you to get better."

Since Day One of Kindergarten she has talked about her new favorite friend, Sophie. Sophie-this, and Sophie-that. Well, one day she came home and said, "Mom, guess what? I was eating snack with Sophie and she said her mom has breast cancer and I told her, 'Well, my mom has lymphoma cancer.' And she said, that her mom was bald and I said, ' My mom is going to be bald too!'" It was like, hey, we have the same juice box! I am so grateful for this connection. It's already making my illness more normal for her.

She has drawn pictures of me sick in bed and then me well again, out of bed. She's drawn the good cells beating up the bad cancer cells. She's written me notes for my alter that say how much she wants me to get better.

She whispers in my ear, "Apoptosis," and smiles so sweetly. Then we give each other high fives or the thumbs up.

Recently, she came home from school, threw her things down and plopped herself on the floor with a dramatic exhale. She said, "Oh, I'm exhausted and I don't even have cancer!"

She's said, "Mom, you used to have excited energy, now you just lay on the couch a lot. Will you have excited energy again when you're better?"

And the grand finale......

Tonight she asked me, "Mom, does the cancer make you grouchy or is it just your personality?" I said, "No, it's your father."

You Don't Look Sick

Here you have it. The new do. I had to go short because it's thinning. Funny how many people didn't recognize me when I went to pick up zoe and kai. Neighbors, my students, teachers. They just glanced at me and looked the other way. It was kind of what I've always wanted...to have Bilbo Baggins's golden ring. I was invisible today and I liked it.

Cranial Prosthesis

Kathleen and I took Zoe wig/hat/scarf shopping. The woman helping us was so kind. She made the whole experience soothing. Zoe wasn't too sure about the wigs, but after I tried on a few, she got into the spirit. We met a woman who was going through chemo for breast cancer. She came over to me and took my shoulders. She said, "It's hard, isn't it? Losing my hair was harder than losing my breast." She got teary and gave me a big hug. It was really good for Zoe to see that other women are going through this too, not just her mom. I ended up buying 3 hats. The wig I like costs $280, but my insurance might cover a cranial prosthetic, so we'll see.....

Number Two

Kathleen and Ralph took me to my second chemo session. Dr. Tuscano was waiting for me when I got there because my blood counts were flagged. My white cells were quite low so the nurses couldn't give me the drugs until they got the go-ahead from the doc. He told me that I'd get the treatment, but that I'd have to give myself a shot called Neulasta, which increases the white cells in my bone marrow. Each shot is $3,000, so I'm awaiting authorization from my insurance company. If it's not the low red cells, it's the low white ones. I wonder if the green ones are okay. All in all, it was a fine session. The nurse was great and made me feel normal.

Nerves of Steel

I am nervous about tomorrow's chemo. It's the second one. How will my body respond? Will I get sick this time? Being hooked up in a chair for 3 hours doesn't make for a good morning. But... Someone told me they had a friend who went through chemo and treated each of her sessions like a spa treatment. She saw it as her time to sit still and focus on just herself. She took a bag full of her favorite snacks, listened to her favorite music on an i-pod, and wrote letters, or in her journal, or played sudoku, or just sat and thought about how wonderful it was going to be when she was cured.
So, I've got my bag packed......you guessed it! lemon drops (a la my friend, Lynne), ginger pops (a la my sister-in-law, Diane), a picture of my family, my i-pod, a deck of cards, a sudoku book, a favorite purple pen, a stack of thank you cards, and a bunch of inspirational quotes (a la friends and family).
Spa Cancer Center! Who is that woman sitting in that chair? She doesn't look sick, and she still has all her hair. Could it be? I think it is....It's Wonder Woman!

Parental Units

I already mentioned how wonderful my parents were when they were here. Mom worked with Kai on his ABC's and Dad taught Zoe how to ride her bike without training wheels! Amazing feats, both. They took the kids to the fire station to meet the firemen and get a close look at the engines. Both of them spent the rest of the week putting out fake fires around the house. Dad cooked two marvelous dinners, installed a garage door opener and.....drum roll, please..... got the red truck running! We picked Zoe up from school and she was shocked to see her car seat in the front of the truck. To top it all off, we went and got marionberry freezes. Mom cleaned all of my kitchen cabinets, baked an apple pie, and washed loads and loads of dishes. She also took me to my surgery on Friday. It was comforting to have her at my side as they prepped me for the port installation.
At the week's end, I think my parents were both wiped out. I was so sad to see them go. The kids cried, but I made them feel better with the prospect that they would return next month.
Now we are anticipating the arrival of.......GG and Ralph! Kathleen is an amazing cook, so I'm sure she's got some delicious concoctions planned, and Ralph is as good at doing dishes as my mom. They both love to take the kids out and about- movies, to lunch, the farmers' market, train rides to Sacramento or the park. They're really really good at getting them tuckered out.
Long story short, I am lucky to have such wonderful support in parent form. There's something special about being nurtured, even at 38.

The Girls

My friends. My net. My support. They cook me meals, send me encouraging emails and cards, drop surprises at my door, and call just to check in. They've offered to watch the kids, drive me to my infusions, donate blood, do my grocery shopping, do the kids' laundry or just be there to listen. I'd be lost without them.
Sisters, I thank you.

Joseph

He's optomistic. practical. logical. grounded. peaceful. gentle. patient. thoughtful. hopeful. focused. silly. energetic. disciplined. intelligent. resourceful. efficient. curious. loving. determined. faithful. handy. Joseph's the best partner to go through this with.
He is my hero.

Number One

The first treatment went okay. I was really nervous, but not nearly as nervous as Joseph. He and I paced in the hallway waiting for my name to be called. The nurse, Tom, was really nice and helpful. He told us all about the possible side-effects of each drug I'd be receiving. The list is incredible....nausea, the runs, constipation, shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, change in skin color, tiredness, and on and on and on......okay, so bring it on already!!!! But I had no side effects, and we finished our 4.5 hour session in no time! On the way home we stopped at Macy's and bought a new set of pots and pans. It's strange walking around in public, passing people who are on their errands for this and that. Each one has a story to tell. Each one has some silent suffering they're enduring. I wanted to yell mine out loud. Hey! I just had chemotherapy! Hey! I have cancer! But I brushed by them never to exchange stories. How do I feel? Awake.

My Class

It was an emotional day. The kids and parents were so supportive and caring. They gave me bundles of flowers, inspirational quotes, personal messages, healing related gifts, and lots and lots of love. The tears flowed as the last bell rang and each student gave me a bear hug. I felt completely drained. I'm scared and mad about this whole damn thing.