p.s.

okay, i meant to follow up with my slightly acidic tone regarding joseph getting to run away from my sickness on his business trips. on monday as he was trying to leave, he realized he probably wouldn't make his flight if he had to park his car, so i gave him a ride. in that 20 minutes we talked about why we might be arguing more lately and what might help ease those tensions in the future. we talked about the kids and work and friends. he had his hand on my thigh the entire ride, just to have contact. when we said our goodbyes, it involved a casa blanca kiss and some tears. in the rearview mirror, i saw him wait for me to disappear until going into the terminal. my jeans were warm where his hand was on my leg and i felt so alone. maybe one of the things we are missing is simple. time together.

Treatment #11 was quick and relatively painless. I didn't have the burning reaction on my face I had last time, and I had my friend, Debbie, to keep me occupied. We laughed, shared secrets, and learned more about each other. After we left the center, we had lunch at the Tower Cafe. It was a beautiful day so we sat outside, enjoying the fountains, palm trees, and Sacramento folk. I felt drugged up and woozie, but was determined to do something "normal" before crashing for the day. Sneaking in a delicious meal before my taste buds are held hostage is always a good thing. Debbie was a great help. Steadying me while walking, not caring that I couldn't hold up my end of the conversatin all the time, and feeding me encouragement. We got home and I was toast. Debbie hung out on the couch for an hour and then picked up Zoe, took her to the park and dropped her home later. What a friend. What grattitude I feel.

And that's not all....Michelle, Joseph's sister, and Rachel, her daughter, are staying with us for the week to help out. Yesterday they took Kai to the doctor because he hasn't been hearing well for the past week or so. He keeps saying, "Mommy, say it louder like me." "Mom, I can't hear you." "What?" So, it turns out he had a ton of wax in his ears that when flushed, totally grossed out Rachel. How can such a little squirt collect so much gunk in there? Hopefully it'll help. Michelle has done laundry, gone grocery shopping, filled the car with gas, cooked, and cleaned. Rachel and she are wonderful with the kids and Rachel is a good cook too. It's working out nicely so far, and once again, I feel such deep thankfulness. It's powerful stuff.

Well, for once I am looking forward to Infusion-Tuesday. I want to sit in that chair and be able to say, "Only one more!"
My brain is getting on the scary side of foggy. Holding conversations is taking much more energy than it used to, because that back-and-forth rhythm between two people is hard to keep track of. Did I already say that? Did I express that coherently? Did I just nod at the wrong time? So, yesterday I was looking through our newspaper and a Sudoku puzzle popped out at me. It used to be a favorite nighttime activity of mine, but I haven't done one in a while. This puzzle was marked Intermediate. Hmmm... I almost quit one time, but ended up solving the darn thing. It secretly made me feel better about my brain for the moment.
Joseph and I have been arguing more lately. As much as I'm sick of being sick, I think he's equally sick of living with a sick person. Although, it's not really fair because he gets to escape the malaise with his exotic business travels. For instance, tomorrow he leaves for ten days to Chile and Peru. Maybe I'll take a trip away from the chemo too. Two more weeks, Danette, just two more weeks.....

My Auntie Ina came down from Whidbey Island to spend the week with us. Treatment #10 was a tough one, so Ina was a great help. She connected with the kids immediately and won them over with her ability to imagine and play. She was like a third kid in the house (one who does laundry, dishes, sweeps and runs errands.) We had the opportunity to visit Neil and Evangeline again in Bodega for the weekend, which turned out to be nice despite the rain. As you can see, Ina and Zoe are water spirits. It was really cold and windy, but they could only feel the pull of the ocean, begging them to play. Kai and I (the smart ones) were in the car cuddling and eating pretzels.

I've always felt a deep bond with my aunt, ever since I was Zoe's age, so this week was extremely special for me to catch up and exchange thoughts on family, education, books, movies and even a speck of religion. She inspires hope and courage so naturally, it's no wonder that when she left on Sunday, I felt a loss entwined with the gratitude.

Kathleen sends marvelous cards. One with a little girl sitting on a toilet reading the newspaper: "You go girl!" One with a 1950's woman gardening with a dorky smile on her face: "Gardening, yoga, bubble baths, medication...and I still want to smack somebody!" One with a woman in a suit sipping wine: "You can't be having a nervous breakdown...it's my turn." And all of them have encouraging, clever words of wisdom and love added in her own hand. So, today's little diddy included this cartoon. It's perfect because I've been talking about how I'm looking forward to getting back into yoga after this thing is over. And I'm also looking forward to some nice red wine. Although a guinessasana sounds pretty good. Hmmmmm....

Double Takes

My Auntie Ina is here for the week to help with Treatment #10!!!! I have to admit, time is beginning to fly by. I can't believe I'm almost done with this bad dream. Now that I'm so close to the end, I'm allowing myself to imagine life after chemo, and I have to say....in some twisted way, it's going to be hard to adjust to yet another "normal." Not that I'll miss feeling sick, or looking like death. But I've grown so accustomed to plowing ahead, changing my idea of self and accepting these drastic changes in my body, my schedule, my life, that yet another set of drastic changes, regardless of them being good, is going to be difficult. I mean, I'll have to start buying shampoo again!
Anyway, my Aunt Ina.....So we all went to the airport on Sunday to pick her up. We surprised her in the baggage claim area because the plan was to pick her up outside. It was so crowded that I scooped up Kai and took him to the perimeter to wait. As we're standing there, he pointed to somewhere in the throng and exclaimed, "Mommy, look at that little man!" I followed his finger to find a dwarf standing there waiting for his turn at the conveyor belt. He looked at Kai, who was still pointing, and looked at me, who couldn't think of what to do in that split second. My instincts took over and I casually backed away from view to calmly explain to Kai that pointing at people could hurt their feelings. I told him that some people grow up to be little and some grow up to be big. Or something like that. As we continued to wait for Ina, Joseph and Zoe to join us, the small man walked by Kai and me. As we locked eyes briefly, I smiled, and was it my imagination that he scowled in return? He most certainly wasn't friendly, and there was something disapproving in his eyes. I felt badly because the reason I smiled wasn't out of apology or embarrassment, but out of understanding. When I go out in public, I am aware of people's reaction to my appearance. Adults do double takes without thinking, and kids just downright stare. They recognize a difference, not in Danette, but in this fellow human. It's obvious that I'm different, just like that man at the airport is different. I wish he would've forgiven Kai and smiled back.

Kathleen and Ralph were here last week when Joseph was in Mexico. Yes, another business trip. I was feeling good, so was able to participate in the visit more than usual. They took the kids to the movies, went out to dinner twice, and chaperoned Zoe on her fieldtrip to the wetlands. They went to Costco for me, and Ralph got the oil changed in our car. Kathleen was sure to teach the kids new rhymes that may come in handy like, "I see London, I see France...." Thanks a bunch, Kathleen! Notice the book she's reading the kids. I think I'm beginning to figure out where all this potty talk came from.

Don't you just love Jane?

I tell you, I'm finding inspiration in the strangest of places these days.....