My Tribe

Woo! Hoo!

I hostessed our book club party on Thursday evening. I spent 4 days planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning in preparation for the event. I had no idea how to cook for 13 (there turned out to be 11 of us that night.) It was wonderful! Elaine and Lisa came early to help finalize everything and forced me to go relax and freshen up before everyone else arrived. I was a basket case! But the food and the conversation and the toasts were all fabulous. I felt like it was the perfect way to say thank you to my women-folk. As I cooked during the days last week, I kept thinking of that movie, Like Water for Chocolate, where the main character cooks these artful dishes and puts whatever emotion she is feeling into the food. When the visitors taste her concoctions, they wind up feeling those same emotions. Well, I put so much love and gratefulness into my Indian feast that it spread across each one of us that night.

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."
~Jane Howard

Not Today

It's strange not going to chemo today. I've got this phantom limb thing going on where the anxiety, waking early, thinking of the things I have to bring, wondering how my blood work turned out, deciding what front-opening shirt to wear is all there. But when dawn came and I was able to see the garden, there were daffodils, tulips, irises and peach blossoms reminding me that the only things I have to do today are detox, heal and grow hair.

Mom and Dad

They're THE BEST!

I'm extremely lucky, or as my Grandma Orme reminds me, blessed, to have such wonderful parents. They were an important part of my process during the last 6 months. I thank them and love them from the depths of my heart.

Nevermore

I did a Big Shop this morning at the CoOp. Spent an hour and a half searching for spices and foods that have detoxing powers. I got things that I didn't even know you could eat. My favorite is Kambucha, a fermented mushroom tea. Anyway, as I was signing the bill (yowza!), the checker looked me in the eyes and said, "You're very pretty." My immediate reaction was, "What?" I couldn't have heard her correctly. And she repeated the compliment just as boldly as the first time. I turned red and thanked her. Then I mumbled something about just finishing chemo and growing back hair soon. As I walked my cart into the parking lot, I started crying. Loading the car is a blur and how I made it home is beyond me. I bawled the entire way. And if you can imagine what happens when a person doesn't have nose hairs to catch the snot, well.....
I walked in the door to a startled family who did a group hug around me, asking what was the matter. I tried to explain how that checker's compliment unlocked so many emotions that I had been keeping in check for the past 5 months. But the realization that my treatments are finally over hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm done. I don't have to go back. I made it. I'm going to write Raven, the checker, a note encouraging her to continue sharing compliments when she can. Because you never know when it's going to touch someone in just the right place at just the right time.

That's All She Wrote...

My mom insisted on documenting my final chemo morning. It was the first morning I wasn't running around gathering things and dragging my heels about leaving. This time, I couldn't wait to get out the door!




















Berta picked me up with my favorite dessert, Tiramisu, waiting in the car.


















Kai called me back for one more hug. Happy Birthday, Sweetie.
You can just see a smidgen of my cashmere sock sticking out from my pant cuff. This little diddy came from my dear friend Elaine, who has been sending surprises now and then, along with wonderful emails full of her packed, happy days on the coast. She is one of my favorite encouragements from afar. Always making me laugh. Always stoking my creative fire. Believing in me. So, she was with me today keeping my feet soft and warm:)










I figured my body was already shocked and bombarded by the chemicals, so why not sneak in a few more things it had to process? A little cream, sugar, chocolate and rum is nothing compared to Dicarbozine, Zofran, Andremiacin, Vinblastine, Adivan, and Solumedrol.







Berta and I talked during the entire treatment. She helped me process what I'm learning and how I've changed through this cancer/chemo thing. I threw out the nuggets and she polished them clean with me. I deeply value Berta's strength, bluntness, depth, creative perspective, thoughtfulness and true friendship.









After being unplugged, the chemo nurses presented me with a purple heart diploma. I told them I never want to see them again.



Here's my finish line. I'm smiling, yeah, my head is up, good. But I wanted some Grace..... And so she came....

Berta knew of this Buddhist restaurant on Broadway where she took me to lunch. We were sitting in the car, getting ready to get out and she looked at me and said, "I think you look better without your hat." Wow, I deliberated briefly on that idea, took my hat off, and came out with a strong, "Okay, here we go."
Unfortunately, there are no pictures to prove the moment, so you'll just have to imagine it for yourselves. People looked briefly at me and then back to their meals, some even looked me in the eye and smiled. I smiled back. We chose from vegetarian dishes on the menu that had words like karma, mandala, peace, enlightened, and mantra attached to them. They all sounded yummy to my steroided system. Berta picked a couple of things and we sipped tea and talked. It was a lovely lunch. And I got to walk across that finish line in public with Grace. Cancer-free, Smiling and Bald.

When I was little, my Great Grandma Krueger wore a mustard seed necklace. It was a teenie-tiny, nondescript sphere encased in a glass pendant. When you shook it, the seed jumped around as if alive. I remember sitting close to her, staring at it, expecting it to sprout at any second. It never did, though. I couldn't figure out why it was so important to her, and I guess I never asked.

Today I was compelled to look up the meaning of that mustard seed. I'm not surprised to learn it's a Biblical symbol, as my Grandmother was a devout Christian. The quote that I found is this:
“For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move hence to yonder place,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.”
Now, I'm not one to quote scripture, but I love this! I would give anything to wear my Grandmother's mustard seed around my neck. To remind me of the piece of her that I unlocked today, and of my own faith in the power to move mountains.

Visit #11

Michelle and Rachel were great! They did everything but our taxes. Rachel says she might be interested in interior design, but I secretly think she's going to be a chef. It's so natural for her - sigh. We had a yummy vegetable soup that she whipped up the night before they left. I've been having it for every meal since.

















I think Kai won Michelle's heart, as he usually does. Zoe was kind of moody throughout the week, and I think it had something to do with having yet more company. She likes it, but is getting tired of changing gears all the time.








I didn't get a picture, but Rachel got her bellybutton pierced for her 17th birthday while she was here. It looks awesome on her.











Kai drew dots all over himself one evening and called them pockin' chicks. Goofball.